you know that moment
when the success you want and need is not coming
and you hardly have the faith to put in the word “yet”
because you tried so hard
en still there is this feeling you haven’t done enough
didn’t try hard enough
and still you feel so tired
where has the energy gone?
you know that moment?
when the success of others hurt, even though you’re so happy for them
when you begin to think that all that you thought you could do is somehow washed away
I used to go down from here to thinking I wasn’t worth anything at all
I don’t do that anymore
but I feel the pain of not seeing any of my efforts and plans live up to anything
and this is where it counts
the not giving up
the back to the drawing board
same goal, other road
and I can do that
because I have someone who has complete faith in me
She is my inner fan
the only problem is
that she doesn’t really much care where it is that I end up.
She thinks the world of me anyway.
so she’s not much help as an adviser.
but she’s here
and that is what counts
I am going to sleep
maybe cry a bit, I do that
and then I will read this in the morning
and I will go on
And yes I know, I should not write this now. I should wait till I’m successful, and then write about this as a been there done that, but fuck that!