you know that moment

when the success you want and need is not coming

and you hardly have the faith to put in the word “yet”

because you tried so hard

en still there is this feeling you haven’t done enough

didn’t try hard enough

and still you feel so tired

where has the energy gone?

you know that moment?

when the success of others hurt, even though you’re so happy for them

when you begin to think that all that you thought you could do is somehow washed away

I used to go down from here to thinking I wasn’t worth anything at all

I don’t do that anymore

but I feel the pain of not seeing any of my efforts and plans live up to anything

and this is where it counts

the not giving up

the back to the drawing  board

same goal, other road

and I can do that

because I have someone who has complete faith in me

She is my inner fan

the only problem is

that she doesn’t really much care where it is that I end up.

She thinks the world of me anyway.

so she’s not much help as an adviser.

but she’s here

and that is what counts

I am going to sleep

maybe cry a bit, I do that

and then I will read this in the morning

and I will go on

 

And yes I know, I should not write this now. I should wait till I’m successful, and then write about this as a been there done that, but fuck that!

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