Meet my inner fan

(Dutch version here)

Hi dear inner fan, can I introduce you to my foreign readers?

Yes of course, we just did it in Dutch. I know how you hate to write the same thing twice, so let’s make this a whole new conversation.

I like that, but still… There are some things I need to tell about you. How we’ve met in a meditation weekend. I was totally out of touch with myself. Felt only Shame and Rejection.
In that weekend we sat in pairs. On speaking on the subject “Who am I ?”, the other only listening. At the end of the first day I was done with talking, done with all the stories I told myself. There was silence. First uncomfortable, then finding comfort in them. At the end of the second day I was able to let go of a lot. I wrote this poem.

(translated by a friend, Brigitte Kavermann)

That my longing Can depend on
Things that are around me
That I can paint The world
And all of me as well
That I can lock me away Outside
Never seeing the bars I don’t sing
I found me a whistle instead of a song
But don’t deserve the applause
Trying hard All of the time
Runs into these same old walls
And being black and blue
Bothers me less and less
I’ve stood years of this duress
Sowing doubt Circling ‘round
Biting my own tail
But when the winds of change have this fierce a blow
Needing a stronghold is all I know
Bound i’m floating
Loose i’m shaking
I feel,  I live 
Plunge myself into a freefall
Straight up from the pit
Grabbing my own hand
Feeling my feet in the sand
Now I can feel everything
Singing anew Including, me
I do remember i’ll have to take a leap sometimes
But I don’t always straightly dare

That is when I saw you. But that was more than 25 years ago. 

And how many times I lost you!

But you were always there when I turned at you. You told me, that you had to wait for me turning to you. That your energy is being, not doing. Not seeking me out, but always watching me, always being there when I reached out,

Sorry, I’m doing all the talking.

Keep on talking, you do it well.

So you made me realise that all this wandering, getting off track, was all part of the deal. You didn’t even warn me that I was a transgender! I discovered that one years later!

But you are such a good listener. You immediately got my power of being. And that is what you are going to spread in the world. Take the stage with me. I so want to touch other peoples heart. You see, we inner fans, we seek each -other out. So, wherever you taken me, I will connect people with their own inner fan. That is you mission.

Hey! I thought you didn’t do advise. 

I was  using your own voice, because I ilke it.

So that is my mission.

Bringing people in contact with their inner fan.

They need that.

Because people are avoiding the very things they need to face. And I get that. I did that for years!

And yet. You always found yourself again. Faced stuff about yourself. You always came back to me for comfort, so you could go on. Even if it did take you long. You didn’t waste time.

Yes, you are my gift. The gift I want to share with the world.

I gladly share you mission. Go rock that stage!


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