Dear coach, are you teaching your clients bypasses?

Dear coaches,

We need to have a talk.

You are sprouting up all around the place. And that is good!

I used to have a prejudice against all these nouveau-coach coaches.  I thought it was a hype.

What I didn’t see was that

We coaches could actually change the world.

The way I see it now is that you all are voting with your feet. Stepping out of the treadmill, refusing to play that game anymore. Guiding others to do the same. Teaching the world that it’s possible to live by your own standards, and not to be bullied into someone else’s.

That is awesome!

But I’m worried

Because it’s going so fast.

Because we are missing something.

How to explain?

I will try, stick with me.

A friend of mine Marcel van Driel is a great writer.  He also writes about his writing. His message is that writing is not the glamorous thing people think it is. Your talent doesn’t write books, you do, and It’s hard work, even if your very talented. And it doesn’t get easier. Every new book is better, but it is also harder to write. Marcel taught me this quote:

“You never learn how to write a novel. You just learn how to write the novel that you’re writing.” ― Gene Wolfe

The same goes for living your life.

Your coaching doesn’t learn people how to live. It learns them how to take the next step.

You know that.  

At least, I very much hope you do, because I see coaches who are so much in love with their first wow/aha/awe moment: a theory, a method, an insight,
that they are passing that on as a medicine for everything.
These coaches are NOT learning the first step, they are learning to avoid taking real steps.
(Ask yourself in all honesty: am I really sure I am not doing this? If you’re not sure, contact me. We have work to do.)

So, even if YOU know:

Does you audience know?

Does your audience know that this step they are taking is the first of many?

That it is NOT getting easier, that it could well get harder?

That every new step involves facing the things they have been hiding from theirselves? (and that there was a very good reason they were hiding it)

Let me tell you about taking these first steps. Hey, you were there yourself, you will recognize this

I was in awe.

A whole new world opened up for me. I thought I finally ‘got’ the world, understood other people and understood me.

I was on a long time high, searching more and more, growing more and more . .

. .  not realising I left a whole lot behind.

In fact, the stuff I learned taught me to hide all the shit I left behind?

Ever heard of spiritual bypass?

(JW is John Welwood)

There is a big COACHING/TRAINING bypass as well!

When I discovered this, I went looking for coaches, workshops programs, where I could learn to deal with my stuff.

And you know what?

I couldn’t find any coach, any training, any workshop where they recognized this bypass.

And I don’t see from your websites and challenges and freebies, that you recognize it. (Well maybe a few, you know who you are)

All the coaches and trainers I worked with were all to happy and proud when I showed them my carefully chosen, not so smelly, shit. I took big courageous steps, they said.

And while I used to love these pats on my back, I soon got enough of it.

Finally I found a place where I could really confront my hiding mechanisms. It was an needle in a haystack.

The fact that I decided to transition late in life also helped a lot!

And my!

How different this was from all I  learned. How I saw through all my bypasses.

(By the way: NO online program will ever be able to do this)

And I know now, I needed these first steps. But it would have been nice not to bypass the next steps, for thirty years.

Today, I see bypasses everywhere. It’s like a drug. It seems that we can’t help doing it.

To stop doing it, you need the equivalent of an anti-addiction program.

Did you know that you set up your clients for this addiction?

Are you teaching them bypasses?

Do you warn them?

Or do you promise them they can become a successful writer in an online course of six weeks?

And do you use their vulnerabilities?

And by the way,

when was the last time you really faced some of your own shit?


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