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  • a transwoman,
  • a man, but just very sensitive (and a love for womens cothing)
  • used to be a man but feels a woman now
  • always was a woman, just had the wrong body

What am I?

Please don’t say that I am the unique me. 

That’s right of course, but that doesn’t change the fact that the above keeps me busy (not just in my head, I cry a lot).

I have feelings I don’t understand at all !

I have been brought up as a feminist.

It was the seventies, my mother had a good job, my parents new a lot of friends who were a bit flowerpowery, my brother went to a social academy where women studies were the new thing, and on top of that I went to study in Wageningen which, although I started in 1980, had a very 60’s/ 70’s ambience: women groups, vegetarian restaurants, artfilms, the works.

I got tablespoons full of feminism.

One thing I remember about these women groups: I was so jealous I couldn’t join them. I felt that in those groups they would talk about things that really mattered. I new better than to ask to join; I also understood perfectly why they didn’t want men, however soft I was.

Today I went to a meeting about gender identity. I heard people talk about being genderfluid.  They pointed out that the old binary way to look at gender is a bit too restricted, pushing people into roles.

Complete in line with my upbringing,

Down with gender stereotypes!

And here’s the problem:

Because I really like the female gender umbrella. It makes me feel safe.

I’m torn apart because I like the very things that I learned to condemn as being too role confirming:

I like to get compliments about how I look. I like to dress up, do nails, make-up the lot.
(Not good: it’s not about looks. Women are always being addressed as pretty instead of e.g. intelligent)

I would love to be hit upon (a girl may dream)
(Not good: how dare you say this in the light of #metoo)

When I look back at my youth, it sometimes hurts that I never was a girl. For example, I would have loved to be more starry-eyed as a teenager, dreaming of rockstars.
I had a secret crush on The Beatles, Led Zeppelin and Ted Neely

(Not good: too much prince on a white horse fairytale stuff)

I loved the fact that, when I helped a friend move house, I didn’t have to do the heavy work.
(Not good: way too roleconfirming, but honest: I never was strong, especially not in my arms, and I did some heavy lifting, way above my capacity because I didn’t dare to refuse)

The list is long.

There are a lot of things I discover I really like.
I like female privileges.  (Yes I’m aware this is like having my cake and eat it)
For me, male energy always was doing something and I was NOT good at it.
My strength is being , and it feels to me more like womanpower. (correct me if I’m wrong)
I love my feminine side, or is that just being highly sensitive?

I love the female umbrella, I don’t want to play the gender breaking rebel.

And part of me feels guilty about that.

It’s part of the deal, my internal fan says

 

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